Though I’ve been there countless times, it’s only fairly recently that my wife and I have taken to wearing costumes. This began when we rented one of their costumes near the front gate on a whim and has since turned into our closets having multiple options for each time we go. The latest of these is my brand new tartan kilt. (Side note: It wasn’t Scottish weekend, so I was technically not dressed appropriately, but if you’ve ever been to a Renn Faire, you know that is the case for almost everyone. I’m looking at you, guy in a goat furry costume.)

The tartan I bought – and believe me, I spent several seconds “researching” this online – belongs to the Clann Donnchaidh, also known as Clan Robertson. It’s the hunting variety of tartan for the clan. I chose it because my grandmother is a Collier and Colliers are a sept associated with Clan Robertson. So I figured, if I’m going to get a kilt, it might as well be tangentially related to my family.

Speaking of family, my wife’s father is incorrigible. Here he is checking to see if I wore the traditional kilt undergarments, i.e. nothing.

So why do I keep going back to the Renn Faire? It’s fun, the shows are entertaining, and there’s plenty of the frothy ale flowing. That said, the really great part is the continuation of a string of memories filtering back through most of my life…

…the time I bought a sword as a teenager, which I still have to this day under my bed. My wife jokes that it’s our home defense strategy, but that sword’s old blade couldn’t hold an edge even when it was brand new. It is, however, heavy as hell, so perhaps I could knock out a would-be home invader with it, if I could just avoid killing anyone else mid-swing.

…the time my friends and I went to the fairgrounds in winter and “broke in.” We slipped through a VERY large gap under a gate and walked around in the empty place, just looking at the closed and forlorn shops and restaurants in the dark woods. Finally, we stumbled upon the camper home of the winter caretaker, who was watching TV inside and fully unaware of us. Still, we ran away and left, fearing to be caught.

…the time my father-in-law (see photo above) paid the belayer at the castle wall rock climb $5 to yank me all the way to the top. I happily squeezed the stuffed toy dragon up there to win my coveted certificate of achievement.

…the time I rode an Indian elephant with my daughter. I remember how thick its individual hairs were, like little bits of wire poking out of its skin. I remember my daughter amazed at the experience, just as I was. We both had our first elephant ride at the same time.

…the many times we saw Shakespeare Skum performing a hilarious, rushed version of one of the Bard’s plays.

…the many times we saw Daniel Duke of Danger perform atop multiple unstable bits of metal tubes all rolling in different directions, yet he was still able to balance on them. I know it’s an act, but it definitely was one that took skill and a heck of a lot of practice. No doubt a few thousand bruises and maybe some broken bones, too.

…the many, many times we saw Johnny Fox, sword swallower extraordinaire, perform his funny and amazing act, via the magical influence of “waters from India.”

…the many, many, many times we shouted HUZZAH! at the joust.

…but mostly, the countless times we laughed, met up with friends and family, threw axes, threw knives, threw throwing stars, got steak on a stake, watched a magician or band, occasionally got a turkey leg or Scotch egg, went through the maze, or – back when such a thing was still allowed – won a “FREE BEER!”

It’s been so many years of so many memories, my wife and I even decided to have our 20th anniversary remarriage there, officiated by my cousin, Tina.

Thanks, Maryland Renaissance Festival, for the memories. See you next year, and let merriment abound.

The post Kilty Pleasures appeared first on Keith Soares.

Anyway, here’s my take on Godzilla arriving at Toronto:

So you won’t be surprised to learn that I’ve seen this year’s top grossing US-made film, Godzilla vs. Kong, about seven times (and counting; I’m planning to get a copy soon). Yes, I realize that me seeing this film so many times contributed to its box office status, so that’s a little self congratulatory. I digress.

But the guy in the photo below? True story: That guy showed up to a movie set one day thinking he was going to help train some actors with motion capture, but instead they turned to him and said, “You’re Godzilla.” Some guys have all the luck.

His name is TJ Storm, meaning that he has both a cool job AND a cool name. And if you aren’t a huge Godzilla fan (I’ll try to forgive you), he also has done mo-cap work in the Marvel Cinematic Universe as Iron Man, Groot, and Rocket Racoon.

If you want to find out a little more about TJ Storm and what it’s like to be the motion capture actor for big name roles, check out this article: https://www.syfy.com/syfywire/genre-mvp-the-motion-capture-actor-whos-played-groot-godzilla-and-iron-man

And if you care to see my entire ever-evolving collection of personally photoshopped Godzilla images, they can be found at my Facebook page, here: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?vanity=KeithSoaresAuthor&set=a.1444717255596313

I’m such a kaiju fan that I’ve even created a few of my own. Their names are Gorgol Alpha, Gorgol Omicron, Gorgol Sigma, and Gorgol Tau, and you can find them in my John Black series of books. Here’s a conceptual look at Gorgol Alpha:

In fact, that’s Gorgol Alpha who appears on the cover of John Black book 2, And It Arose From the Deepest Black.

The post Go Go Godzilla appeared first on Keith Soares.

Oh, and for the record, we’ve now lived through Akira, Blade Runner, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, The Road, and Pacific Rim. Given the realities of 2020, the fact that only Pacific Rim was set in that year makes me think we would have had an easier time living through the kaiju attack. Plus, we would have had jaegers, and that would’ve been cool.

Without further ado, here is my revised chart of movies set in the next few years, The Future’s So Bright (Movies set between 2021 – 2035).

Wow. That’s a lot of new and mostly terrible options for our future. I mean, this year alone, we are expected to have The Purge (which, honestly seems like it’s already underway).

2022 was featured in Bill and Ted Face the Music, which is one of the few movies on this graphic that is generally uplifting, with a happy ending. Unfortunately, I can’t remember what part of the movie is supposed to take place this year. I hope it’s not when they go to hell.

In 2023, we get to look forward to Avengers: Endgame, but while that means Thanos is defeated, we do have the slight problem of a sudden vacuum in a major position of authority.

When we get to 2024, we can all enjoy the boyish antics of our beloved Spider-Man, but four years later, we plummet into The Cloverfield Paradox and then there are multiple Earths and frankly bad things go down all around.

We take a 2 year breather before laboring through the final days of Logan, only 1 year before we all have to get on a train and constantly circle the globe due to a climate disaster. Of all the movies on this graphic, Snowpiercer may be the most ludicrous one. I’m kinda shocked they opted to make it into an ongoing TV series, given that it seemed to be a pretty implausible concept for only a 2 hour film.

In 2033, Tank Girl comes to kick our butts, and then at long last, we reach the year 2035.

What would you like to see happen in 2035? Take your pick:

• Earth is generally as it is now, but we send a crew to Mars and strand one guy there by mistake. Luckily, he’s a survivalist ninja. The Martian
• Those darned kaiju come back and now we need to get even more badass jaegers to fight them. Pacific Rim: Uprising
• We reeeeeeaaally hope that advanced, self-aware robots will adhere to Asimov’s 3 laws. And of course, they don’t. I, Robot
• Or finally, if you’d really like a trip, witness yourself being shot after bouncing around through time chasing down the people responsible for releasing a virus that wipes out most of mankind (like we need another). 12 Monkeys

Select carefully. We’re all counting on you.

The post Back to the Future, 2021 edition appeared first on Keith Soares.

STRUCK (Lightning Hopkins book 1): https://amzn.to/3alZlSr

TWICE (Lightning Hopkins book 2): https://amzn.to/2JhT4v6

This time around, Lyn and her electromagician friends end up in Paris, France. Not too coincidentally, I took a trip to Paris with my family last summer (before… well, you know, the current world situation…). Many of the things I saw influenced parts of the story. Here are a few photos from my trip. Once you read the new book, you should notice their Lightning Hopkins connection.

First, of course, is the world-famous Eiffel Tower, but more specifically, what it feels like to be BELOW the tower. It’s really a gigantic pile of intertwined metalwork. And its elevators sway. Not cool, Monsieur Eiffel.

At night, the tower is beautifully lit, and I particularly liked the rotating beams coming from the top platform, circling around like some lighthouse for alien ship landings.

The circle surrounding the Arc de Triomphe (barely seen on the left here) is often overrun with cars. Here, even on a rather miserable, rainy day, it’s quite busy. Notice that there are no lane markers. It’s a free-for-all. Fun to look down upon from atop the Arc.

It’s an overstatement, but not much of one, to say there is a cafe on every street corner. Here are just two. If you own the supply company for these chairs, tables, and umbrellas, you have a constant business stream.

Despite the devastating fire, Notre Dame Cathedral still stands. It’s undergoing a massive effort for renovation and repair, but still dominates many views along the Seine.

According to the musical, high on a hill lives a lonely goatherd. Well, in Paris, it’s not a goatherd, but the white-domed structure of Sacre Coeur that stands high on a hill, overlooking much of the city. It’s a very popular place for photos, selfies, panoramas, and probably some pickpockets.

When you’re in front of Sacre Coeur, this is the view of Paris you get. I didn’t manage to get the Eiffel Tower in this shot, but it’s out there. And you never know who might be around you in one of these crowds.

While you’re staying in Paris, get the top-floor flat. Unless of course you don’t like heights and have to carry all of your luggage up a staircase like this for five floors.

Last but not least, get outside the city, where there is beautiful countryside very close by. We didn’t expect to stumble across a glider airstrip, but here one is. Moments later, a glider swooped down and landed, just beside us. Then the two people inside hopped out, grabbed a wing, and dragged it into the hangar. So, that’s a thing that happens…

Hope you enjoy the continuing adventures of Lightning Hopkins in my new book, TWICE. As for flying around using electromagic in Paris, this is about as high up as you’re going to find me. I think my hair alone here represents my level of concern at being halfway up the Eiffel Tower.

Cheers,

K.

The post TWICE (Lightning Hopkins book 2) is now available in print and ebook appeared first on Keith Soares.

1.

Dodge Durango SUV

Kylo Ren (Star Wars)

2.

Lexus 300H

Cylon (Battlestar Galactica)

3.

Geely Panda

Pikachu

4.

Lincoln MKT

The Mandalorian

5.

Toyota Prius

Stitch (Lilo & Stitch)

6.

Jeep

Mad Max

7.

Tesla Model 3

Chichiyaku (Spirited Away)

8.

Porsche 911

Iron Giant

9.

Dodge Charger

Wall-E

10.

Nissan Cube

Pennywise (IT)

11.

Bugatti Veyron

Scream killer

12.

BMW M5

Pigs from Angry Birds

Bonus…

Volvo XC90

General Grievous (Star Wars) – upside down

The post 12 Cars That Look Like Sci-Fi or Cartoon Characters appeared first on Keith Soares.

Take a look at this video (3:50 long) for some behind the scenes footage from the photoshoot and from the Photoshopping that had to happen afterward to put the model into an appropriate background and add effects for the book cover:

And finally, here are the new covers!

Struck (Lightning Hopkins book 1) – Available now on Amazon

Twice (Lightning Hopkins book 2) – expected release March 2020 (yep, this month!)

Finally, here are a few more shots from the photoshoot:

The post New Lightning Hopkins book covers: Photoshoot and Photoshop appeared first on Keith Soares.

It will be challenging. Hell, it may even be a downright slog and I could utterly fail. But at least I’m trying.

My day job has been at my own company for the last 22 years, and if you’ve ever been self-employed you know that the one rule of running a small company is that you are responsible for EVERYTHING. Getting work, overseeing work, doing hands-on work, doing work while you are supposedly on vacation, doing work when normal humans are sleeping, getting paid, chasing down late payments, hiring staff, paying staff, fringe benefits, taxes, legalities, office culture, office supplies, leases, cleaning crews, electricity, internet service, running water, making sure we have toilet paper, etc, etc, etc…

Plus, as a digital agency, we wouldn’t exist without our clients. Which meant that the clients ruled everything. That is its own special flavor of fun.

To be clear, I worked with A LOT of amazing people, both as clients and as colleagues. The company staff was routinely wonderful, which I am ever thankful for. If there had been office bickering and culture issues, I probably would have gone insane long ago. I enjoyed countless moments with the people around me.

This post is more about the job…

So, to remind myself of the things I won’t be missing about my 9-to-5 job (that was really more of a round-the-clock job), here are The Top 24 Things I’m Not Going to Miss About Working My Day Job:

1. Pitch Meetings

A lot of authors are introverted, so count me among them. I don’t like having to be “ON” in front of spectators, unless I choose it (me playing guitar in public is a totally different beast). However, in my agency job, it was a regular requirement for me to go out and pitch new clients, basically the industry equivalent of singing for your supper. Bad pitch = no job, no job = no money. I’ve done it multiple times in a day, on back-to-back days, for projects I could do in my sleep, for projects I had no idea how to do, and in all kinds of health, including feeling like I might keel over and die while talking. I managed to have success at these for 2+ decades, so I imagine I’ve done a decent job, but still, I have nightmares where I am in a pitch meeting.

2. Conference Calls

Similar to pitch meetings, but with the added benefit of happening weekly or every two weeks. My job was typically to run the conference calls, which meant I had to know everything that’s happening, and all the next steps – not just what happens tomorrow, but everything from A to Z, so that when clients come up with a question out of the blue, or they decide their COO has to be on the call one morning, I have answers. Again, I did it, and did it well, but it was always stressful. Plus, it’s a chunk of time out of your day you don’t get back. And don’t get me started on the clients who were ALWAYS late getting started and ALWAYS ran over time.

It was said on many occasions that conference calls were just therapy sessions – that the client would vent all kinds of bizarre and unrelated things going on in their organization on a call, just to have someone to hear them. So my job meant having to know all the details of a project, and be some people’s accidental therapist. Count that as another hat to wear.

3. Being On-Call 365/24/7

When you run the show, the show can run you back. In the early days of my agency, in the 1990s, connectivity was a lot harder. If I went on vacation to the Caribbean, let’s say, it was very likely that they had little to no Internet service. An Internet cafe was the best option, and all I had to do was avoid those and pray the folks back home had things under control. Thankfully, they usually did. But later, especially into the 2010s, everywhere I went there was service. This meant that I found myself working at 3am in Barcelona, Spain, while supposedly on vacation, so that my work would be done in time for folks waking up on the east coast of the US that morning. I already noted my dislike of conference calls; you can only imagine how much I disliked doing conference calls when I was in another country and my entire family was off having fun.

4. People Who Don’t Understand My Job Telling Me How to Do My Job

As the head of a digital agency, it was my job to be on top of the technology we used and recommended to our clients. That ended up being a pretty daunting proposition, as virtually every client used something different. (Admittedly, we made it a point of pride to have diverse clients, so we sort of brought this on ourselves.) Still, I put a lot of time and effort into knowing what I was talking about. I hated most the pitch meetings or conference calls when I felt even a little bit unprepared. So when I was certain I knew my stuff, it was infinitely frustrating to have someone come along and tell me how wrong I was. Often, this was a higher-up on the client end, and typically one with debatable technology skills. I knew I should sit back and let them make bad tech decisions, so that I could charge more to clean up the mess, but frankly, I don’t like cleaning up messes. Still, it happened all the time. And believe it or not, some of the worst offenders were people in technology positions who should know better: CTOs, programmers, third party vendors doing tech and development work, IT directors.

5. People Who Don’t Keep Track of What’s Happening With Their Own Project Needing an Update on Their Project

I mentioned conference calls, above. In general, those calls were status updates, and one of the more frustrating thing was that certain clients typically had no idea what their status was. Worse, they often had zero updates from their end. Trust me, any agency project requires collaboration between the agency and the client. If the client has NO UPDATES on their end, it is very likely the project is standing still. And that creates all kinds of hell at the agency.

Still, one of the more ridiculous moments I had on a conference call was a client who was LIVID about the status of their project. Furious that we were not getting things done in what they considered a timely fashion. I spent an hour explaining where things stood, and politely but firmly pointed out how the client was not providing information and content we needed to make progress. When I finally finished, waiting for a new batch of ire to be sent in my direction, I heard silence. After a moment, I did the old “hello, hello, are you there?” at which point the client un-muted themselves and admitted they had been distracted and weren’t listening. For the entire hour.

6. Waiting for a Payment/s

So the job itself isn’t stressful enough, eh? Okay, let’s add a wrinkle. As business owner, you also need to pay attention to organizational cashflow, and oh, by the way, 6 clients are 30 days or more late on payment. But your staff still gets paid every two weeks no matter what. Fantastic. Kill me.

7. Catastrophes As Soon As Not Convenient

Everything ALWAYS worked fine when I was sitting at my desk, rested and refreshed, and ready to take on the day. ALWAYS. But put me in a car going to an airport, or taking the afternoon off to attend a baseball game? BOOM! That’s when the shit always hit the fan. I remember vividly hiding in a back room at Nationals Park (a party room no one was currently using), on my phone tediously trying to debug server issues for 2 hours while the fans cheered outside. I remember vividly using a WiFi hacking antenna to sap remote strangers’ Internet service just to finally be able to get online to fix problems while out of town.

8. Angry Clients

Look, for the most part, the clients were easy to work with. But, just as in every day life, you meet some nice folks and some not so nice. An agency needs clients to make income. You don’t often get to choose based on whether they’re “nice” or not. So, if you started a project and one of your client contacts rubbed you the wrong way, well, buckle in, because they aren’t going away. And grumpy clients at the outset often turn into angry clients if anything at all goes wrong. In the course of a six-month or twelve-month project, SOMETHING is going to go wrong. That’s when you can either work together on a solution or start fighting. The angry clients always made this experience terrible, and made their project worse for it. Was it sometimes my fault? Of course. But we spent a lot of effort to be on the ball and conscientious, so the times it was “my fault” are fairly limited. Does that matter to a client who has decided to be angry? Nope.

9. No Boss? Try Dozens!

One of the things people always say to business owners is that it “must be great to have no boss.” That’s hilarious. Sure, there was no cigar-puffing J. Jonah Jameson yelling at you from his corner office while you toiled away, but here’s the thing: EVERY client is your boss. EVERY client can fire you. And that has serious implications… Had a crappy conference call with an angry client (who may or may not have paid attention and may or may not understand that they themselves are integral to the success or failure of their project) and they decide it’s time to fire your agency? That’s money, gone. Money gone might mean people gone. People gone might mean you can’t do the next job. It’s a delicate and stressful cycle, all controlled by your many client “bosses.”

10. Random Technology Changes

Technology is always evolving, for countless reasons. Code patches, new features, new functionality, security updates, yeah. But also mega corporations deciding to reinvent themselves with no real concern what that does to a smaller organization who already put a lot of time into a product and now has to do it all over again with no additional budget. Plus, clients in general have no concept what this means. Tell a client that you need money to update their app from iOS 10 to 13, and they turn around and ask you why you didn’t program it correctly. Why it wasn’t future proof and made to last. Will they understand that Apple deprecated an important method and now advises code be altered in specific ways that have widespread ramifications? Nah. It’s easier just to be mad.

11. Random Technology Failures

This is even more fun than random changes. What’s the one thing computers are supposed to be good at? Following rules. If you code something to produce XYZ today, it should produce XYZ tomorrow, the next day, and on until infinity, assuming the environment stays the same. And yet… Ever had your laptop freeze up for no apparent reason? Ever seen a glitch where there never was a glitch before? Yep. And it’s not even a joke that the go-to response from people in tech is always the simplest: if you can do so, reboot. Three times. Bad news, though. In production environments, that can be a very, very bad idea, and no client wants to hear that you lost data (sales, user records, whatever) because of some random occurrence. They will want to know what went wrong, and they will want a sacrifice for the trouble. That was me. Have you ever asked Microsoft for a sacrifice when MS Word crashed and you lost that doc you’d been working on for 3 hours? No. But if your web server randomly crashed one day, that was clearly my fault.

12. Hackers

Even worse that any random change or failure, hackers screw up things on purpose. In my opinion, hackers are the worst of the worst. And what’s even sillier is that we’ve had massive hacker issues based on mistaken identity – I remember one group of hackers attacking my client endlessly because of the acronym their organization used. It happened to be the same as another org in another country that the hackers didn’t like. Rather than find the right one, they hit my client, hard. It takes a lot of time and effort to thwart an attack, and even more to clean up after a successful attack. Ever tried to manually scan every file in a filesystem containing thousands? I’ve wasted so many hours of my life dealing with hacking. What would I do with that time back?

13. “I Quit”

While I did very much enjoy working with my colleagues, I can tell you as the person running the show that someone quitting always hit hard. For the most part, people didn’t quit in anger, but for more money, a change of scenery, or an opportunity more in line with what they wanted to do in life. Sure, some left because they were sick of it, or sick of me perhaps – that happens. Nonetheless, when any individual quits in a small organization, it has an immediate effect; there is suddenly a hole to fill. Jobs have to be rerouted, future plans changed. I had people quit immediately after a 2 week vacation, or even while ON an extended holiday. While there’s never a great time for someone to leave a small organization, there are ways that are a little better than others. Ah well. Then, once someone leaves, the great search begins for the next person, which leads me to…

14. Finding Staff

I’d like to think I did a decent job of this over the decades, as I can really only think of one or two people who simply didn’t pan out. Still, every single time there was a job to fill, I had to solicit resumes (and figure out where to solicit, as well as how much budget to allot for advertising), review resumes, interview, and negotiate. In today’s era of automated resume submission, this meant I got a LOT of really inappropriate resumes. A lot of people submitting who really had no qualifications, or who had great qualifications for a completely different job. And I had a lot of headhunters calling me, trying to make their commissions by placing someone with my company. It always boiled down to a combination of skills and cost. Will this person provide reasonable skills at a cost my company can try to make money on? Another tricky and stressful task among so many. And that’s not even considering the ever-present issue of office culture. Hire someone to disrupt it, and it could mean someone else wants to find a new job. Like juggling chainsaws. That are on fire.

15. An Avalanche of Email

I am well aware that email addresses get snatched up and sold in bulk all the time, and this only gets worse the longer you have an email address. My company email was set up (by me, of course) in 1997, and remains unchanged to this day. That means that I’ve had my email address sold to untold numbers of related organizations, marketers, and of course, outright spammers and would-be-thieves. On a daily basis, I would have hundreds of messages that I had to sift through because they were at least somewhat relevant for me. That’s not counting the literal thousands of spam emails per day. Thankfully, I have tools in place to make the vast majority go away before I even see them, but the flood continues. Now, as I change my job focus, I am blissfully unsubscribing to anything and everything I can, plus, as you would expect, my volume of legitimate work email has dropped dramatically. I can’t explain how liberating it is…

16. Constant Contact

As technology evolved, so did our ability to annoy one another without delay. Still, while I always carry a smartphone, and I’m pretty much connected 100% of the time, it never failed that the moment when someone needed to talk to me was the exact worst moment. For example, given that I was the business owner, I intentionally made my home and office very close together – 1.25 miles to be exact. That meant that my commute was no more than 5 minutes. And invariably, in those exact 5 minutes, when I was driving and unable to answer, my phone would endlessly buzz in my pocket. Not one little buzz, but eight or ten in a row. Sure, I could check messages the moment I arrived, but to know that somehow, some way, the moment to contact me was exactly the wrong one? Ugh. Plus, having constant access to email and messaging meant that anyone – colleague or client – could contact me at any time, weekday, weekend, day, night, home or away. Clients would routinely ask me for my personal cell phone number, so they could get in touch with me whenever they wanted, and while I never, ever liked doing it, I always gave them the number because I ran the agency, and that’s what you had to do to make the client – you know, one of your MANY BOSSES – happy.

17. The Quirks of an Old Office Building

Obviously, this is specific to my job, but I bet I’m not the only person who has dealt with a creaky building. Our office, built in the 1940s, had the kind of electrical service where running the microwave and toaster oven at the same time would not only blow the fuse to the kitchen, it would power down an office where someone was working. Oops, there goes 3 hours of work, sorry.

Not to mention the water issues. Over time, water finds its way everywhere, meaning sometimes it’s running down walls, sometimes it’s dripping on heads.

Between electrical updates and water-proofing, we spent a ridiculous amount of money and time, and there remained issues.

The worst situation I ever faced was an evening of torrential rain. I had built a server room in the office basement, and intentionally had it raised 6 inches off the main floor, assuming that it would save me from up to 6 inches of unexpected flooding. One night, I had TWO FEET of flooding, and absolutely foolishly jumped in the water to save my servers from their demise. I managed to do it, knowing that if those servers were destroyed, my business was likely done for. In retrospect, I could have very easily been electrocuted that night. Thankfully, it didn’t happen. Still, sleeping on the floor of the conference room as a tiny pump tried to overcome pounding rain water by shooting it out an open door… that was no fun at all.

18. Wearing All the Hats

Jack of all trades, master of none. It’s both true, and not the entire story. I’d like to think I mastered a trade or two, but my job involved trying to be competent at virtually everything. Of course, I had strengths. Of course, I had weaknesses. But when you run a small company and you only have the people you have, someone has to pick up unexpected slack. Take a look in the mirror, friend. That slack picker-upper is you. Programmer, designer, writer, marketer, network engineer, database developer, SEO expert, systems integration specialist, project planner, presenter, client liaison, hand-shaking networker, HR chief, office culture czar, QA tester, debugger, on-site inspector, analytics agent, feedback translator, head of the team, and decider of all internal decisions. Chief cook and bottle washer, at your service.

19. Developing a Great Process, Only to Need to Dismantle It and Start Over

This goes along with the randomness of technology changes above, but I can’t even count how many times I spent the effort to create an effective process only to have to redo it relatively soon after. Internally, examples include the many, many hours setting up networks and servers to support the staff, only to soon need to upgrade them all (which was never a simple upgrade, but more like a do-over). Eventually, I outsourced them all to the cloud, but that was like another complete re-do. Externally, this means creating de facto guidelines on how to develop a client project, outlining exactly where to start and what to include, only to have the next half dozen projects have such specific needs that my guidelines no longer applied.

20. Better/Cheaper/Faster

That’s the old adage: better/cheaper/faster, pick two. Yet I know of so few clients who actually understood this. Almost universally, they wanted all three, even if they said they understood that getting something cheaper would mean they weren’t buying a Ferrari. How many times did I hear, “well, we understand our budget doesn’t support the complete functionality we want, but how do we get it anyway?” Actually, that means you DON’T understand. Often times, this would involve passing the buck. “Our board of directors is demanding the project have all the features we want, and be done at this budget, in time for their next board meeting.” I’ll admit, I probably tried to accommodate too many times. I don’t like to have relationships where I disappoint people. But over time, the realities of how this sort of work impacts everything made it impossible. There’s only one answer to an unreasonable question: No.

21. “We’re out of toilet paper”

This is a catch-all for all the mundane, necessary-but-stupid tasks required of a small business owner. I’ve replaced toilet paper, paper towels, light bulbs, ceiling tiles, batteries, computer mice, keyboards, monitors. Climbed under desks in a suit to figure out wiring issues. I’ve climbed on the roof to squeegee excess water toward the drain. I was in charge of specifying and buying every computer – desktop, laptop, and server – we ever bought. Plus, the supply closet doesn’t fill itself. I’ve had to keep on top of buying that toilet paper, and pens, and paper clips…

22. No Time to Focus

Every project I ever worked on required focus. Whether I was simply managing the project (“simply”? ahahahahaha) or doing development work myself, there absolutely had to be uninterrupted time devoted to that single project. Yet, the needs of the day continued to happen – colleagues needed my input or help, other clients needed information, things caught on fire, and even just random, unimportant conversations broke out. Any one of those things could derail me for a few minutes to a few hours to maybe even days.

Focus is critical. I’ve heard it said that there is no such thing as multitasking – there is only single-tasking with rapid changes in focus, meaning each task is done a little worse than it would be if you just spent time on a single thing. I think that’s true. Bouncing from one task to another very quickly diminishes the time and thought given to each task, to their detriment.

In writing, it’s the same. I have to consciously hide email and social media while writing, or else I’ll find my focus wander when that next email comes in, or when that next post shows up. At the least, this makes the task (storytelling, now) slower; at worst, it stops the flow completely, and you have to try again another day.

23. The Domino Effect

One thing bumps another and another and another, until they all fall down. Like when I had to take 3 hours out of my day to go to a pitch meeting, meaning that I couldn’t be present to oversee important work on another project before a critical deadline, potentially resulting in a problem that delayed delivery… which in turn might have stirred up a client’s ire, and delayed payment. And, once one project wasn’t completed on time, the next one couldn’t begin on time, so its deadlines also get pushed, as did payments for meeting those deadlines. Each domino knocks down the next, trickling off so far into the future with so many permutations that it’s almost impossible to anticipate them all. So you manage what you can, and you put your foot on the gas wherever you can. Sometimes you make up lost time, and sometimes you plow into another speed trap. John Muir once said, “When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.” The same is true in agency work – if any one thing goes wrong, you find out it’s hitched to everything else you’re doing.

24. STRESS!

All of the above add up to one major thing in life: stress. If there is one single thing I’m looking forward to, it’s a serious and significant reduction in stress starting in 2020.

So here I am, beginning something wild and new, but happily shedding all of the above in favor of trying to succeed in something I enjoy. A new role of creativity that is placed on my shoulders, to succeed or not.

That’s it. Twenty-four things I won’t miss as I embark on a new career, an Act Two as it were for my working life. Maybe some of these resonate with you. If you’re a small business owner with staff, I suspect a lot do. What did I miss? In 20+ years, there are things that have come and gone that simply have fallen out of my brain…

There are countless happy memories from the past couple of decades, and there are some moments I never want to think about again. Nonetheless, it’s over. Next.

And now, back to writing my next novel.

K.

The post Quitting My Day Job: The Top 24 Things I’m Not Going to Miss appeared first on Keith Soares.

Thankfully, I have the last Skywalker Star Wars movie coming up soon (tickets already purchased!) to help bridge the gap until April of next year when Bond comes out.

Daniel Craig has been my favorite Bond, based mostly upon his first movie, Casino Royale, which I think is the best Bond movie of all time. (Connery is my second favorite, and yes, I understand that’s sacrilege.) Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, Craig’s track record as Bond as been distinct: good movie followed by bad. While Casino Royale was fantastic, A Quantum of Solace was… lame. Then came Skyfall which was quite good, so of course they followed up with Spectre, and it was a dud. [Side note to the producers and directors: If something trivial sets off a massive series of explosions that essentially cripples the bad guy’s enterprise, your movie is a dud.]

Now, we get No Time to Die, which may be the most traditional Bond movie name of the lot (yes, I know Casino Royale is an actual Ian Fleming novel – it’s on the bookshelf to my right as I type this). But since it is coming AFTER a dud, it HAS to be good, right? Let’s say yes.

In any event, seeing the new trailer made me think of my own Bond references in my John Black series. The most blatant is the end of each novel, as seen in the image above – “The end of (this movie/book) but J.B. will return in (that movie/book).” Just insert the proper titles and either John Black or James Bond, as necessary.

So I decided to make a little list of all the pop culture references I sprinkled into the John Black series. It’s more than I realized, once I really thought about it. Here’s the list:

All the Pop Culture References in the John Black Series

James Bond
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
The Matrix
Superman (the Christopher Reeve one)
Rush
The Hobbit
Luray Caverns (a tourist attraction in Virginia)
Zork (my first experience with a video game!)
The Tower of Babel
Jurassic Park
Alien
Highlander
Pulp Fiction
Tremors
Batman
The Princess Bride
Arrested Development
Thor
Doctor Who
Willy Wonka
Stranger Things
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
The Lord of the Rings
Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi
Shakespeare’s The Tempest
Alice in Wonderland
Bad Lip Reading
The Walking Dead
Johnny Appleseed
For Whom the Bell Tolls
The Greatest American Hero
Monopoly
Tom Clancy’s Clear and Present Danger
Pitfall
2010: Odyssey Two
Escape from Alcatraz
The Great Escape
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Frankenstein
Weird Science

There you have it – all 40 pop culture references in the series. I also gave a nod to my own previous novel, The Oasis of Filth, and my short story, “Pale Remnant.” I won’t be so bold as to call those “pop culture” references, though.

I’m not saying all these references are overt – you may catch some or possibly none. But, to me, adding all this into the story makes it that much more enjoyable. Oh, and John Black’s hometown is of course my childhood hometown of Crofton, Maryland. The escapades of John and Bobby biking in town are loosely based on my own slightly less death-defying moments. And the scenes at the beach in the series are 100% Ocean City, Maryland, right down to the rickety roller coaster that I’m still sure will collapse and kill people at any time.

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The first two episodes of the final season have been mostly free of action, as the characters generally gather together at Winterfell to await the Night’s King and the epic battle expected to ensue.

This post contains spoilers for the final season of GOT, through episode 2. The rest of the post is just me making up stuff.

Though we finally got some nice payoffs like Brienne being knighted and Arya deciding that life can be more than just revenge, the first two episodes were rather quiet. I’d like to hope that, seen together, they make for a great lead-in to the mayhem to come.

Game of Thrones is a massive story arc, with an almost ridiculous number of significant characters. Martin has already written more than 1.7 million words in the first five novels alone. (Who knows how many more words await us in novels six and seven?) It’s obviously been distilled for TV, but even so, there is a lot to wrap up in the remaining four episodes.

From an overall narrative arc, my guess would be that the final episode is a long goodbye. There are too many beloved characters to have some massive final battle end five minutes before the credits roll and feel rewarded at how things wrap up. Perhaps if the final episode runs exceptionally long, it will begin with the final conflict resolution before turning into that long goodbye, but I’d still expect quite a bit of air time for calm reflection, for whomever is left.

That leaves us with three episodes to resolve the fight with the Night King AND the fight with Cersei for the Iron Throne. Sure, those two fights might easily morph into one, but for now they are distinct things.

And now, on to my silly predictions, by character:

Varys

• He hides. He lives. It’s what people like him do.

Jorah Mormont

• He fights. He dies. It’s what people like him do. Most likely saving his Queen.

Brienne

• This is a harder one. Based on finally becoming a knight, it would make sense for her to die nobly, such as sacrificing herself for Jaime. But I think she almost dies to save Jaime, then Tormund Giantsbane comes to her rescue. This act finally makes her open to his clear interest. I predict these two make it to the “final goodbye” of the series.

Theon Greyjoy

• Well, ol’ Reek has been through a lot, but he was kind of deserving of it at the time. Granted, Ramsay Bolton took everything way too far, way too sadistic, but Theon often got what he deserved. So now Theon should get what he deserves again… but what is that? He most recently rescued his sister and now he wants to fight to redeem his name at Winterfell, but is that enough? I think it is. I think sis Yara (novel version: Asha) will conquer the Iron Islands, and after he survives the attack of the Night King, Theon will rejoin her there.

Davos Seaworth

• All those not fighting will hide in the crypts. The crypts contain the honored Stark dead. The Night King resurrects the dead. What could go wrong? Oh yeah, that. The Stark dead will rise to fight for the Night King, and that cute little girl with greyscale, so clearly reminiscent of Shireen, will try to defend everyone. Davos will come to her rescue, and die in the effort.

Bronn

• Showing up at the scene of an apocalyptic battle with a dubious hit contract and a crossbow does not seem like a wise idea. Bronn finally decides it’s easier to simply walk away.

Sam Tarly

• As the story’s Samwise Gamgee character, it’s almost his duty to live through to the end. He has a wife and a kid to raise, for heaven’s sake. He will help defend the crypt, once more showing a moment of bravery. Later, he and Gilly will strike off for some remote cabin in the north where Sam will read books to his heart’s content until the end of his days.

Bran Stark / The Three-Eyed Raven

• Here’s where things get rocky. S8, Episode 2 made it clear that the Night King wants to kill Bran (the Three-Eyed Raven) in order to erase humanity’s memory. I think the Night King succeeds. Bran dies next to Winterfell’s weirwood tree. Sorry, fans of weird staring. He’s gone.

Grey Worm

• Really? You need to think about it? Dead. In the very next battle. Do not make fanciful HEA plans as death incarnate approaches.

Sandor Clegane / The Hound

• Yet another path of redemption. Everyone is waiting for him to kill his weirdo zombie brother in CleganeBowl, and yeah, that seems like it will happen. He survives the Night King, kills the Mountain at great cost, then dies happily with Arya beside him in the final episode.

Arya Stark

• Well now. Her death list seems to have been fading in her mind. She and Gendry might have a future. Yet… Nah, I’m not cruel. Arya lives to the final goodbye.

Sansa Stark

• I feel like Sansa’s arc is already complete. That might mean she lives, or that she dies. I think she lives to the final goodbye, and becomes the Queen in the North, despite the fact that Dany wasn’t so keen on that idea.

Catelyn Stark 

• Returns as Lady Stoneheart to kill both the Night King and Cersei Lannister. Sorry, what? Lady Stoneheart didn’t make the cut for the shows? Ah, well, sorry. Never mind. She’s just dead.

Jon Snow / Aegon Targaryen

• There are two problems with Jon surviving. First, he is almost pathetically noble. Second, he has a good reason to sit on the Iron Throne. But he’s the same guy. He will relinquish his position and allow Dany to become queen. Will he die? Will he commit to a romantic life with his royal auntie? No. Jon dies as the ultimate sacrifice. Whatever has to happen to thwart the Night King, it’s Jon who does it. Even if the remaining army is in shambles and still has to face Cersei in the south.

Jaime Lannister

• Jaime pretends to come back to his sister. Knowing it is his child in her womb, and knowing she will destroy the Seven Kingdoms, he kills her. Then kills himself.

Cersei Lannister

• See above.

Daenerys Targaryen

• Dany seems destined to become the one who sits on the Iron Throne, but I think the world is a more complicated place than that. In the battle against Cersei at King’s Landing, Dany’s dragons breathe fire and melt the Iron Throne to nothing but a puddle of molten metal. Though she defeats the Night King and Cersei, Dany is left nothing but an empty hall from which to rule. She finally realizes the inherent sadness of her megalomaniacal quest.

Tyrion Lannister

• I think more people care what becomes of Tyrion than any other character, and for good reason. Tyrion is not only smart and funny, he is the avatar of writer George R. R. Martin in the story. What would GRRM do with himself in this context? Win battles? Become king? Or maybe… be more than all that. Be the ultimate storyteller. When Bran is slain by the Night King, all hope is lost that humanity’s memory has been erased, until we learn that Tyrion has become the new Three-Eyed Raven!

So that’s it – my completely wild suggestions on how it all ends. I’ll be watching the next few weeks to culminate a story I’ve loved for 20+ years. None of the above should be taken too seriously, unless of course I prove to be right. Then you heard it here first, haha.

Cheers,

K.

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